When I was little, I wanted to be Shannon Miller. Shannon Miller was this amazing Olympian gymnast who was also from Edmond, Oklahoma, which was thirty minutes from where I lived. I had her Barbie,I would clip out her photo in the newspaper, and I even sent her a Flat Stanely. I would play with my Shannon Barbie, and pretend it was me, doing amazing feats and contorting her(my) body for all kinds of unnatural flips and rolls. She had this pretty blonde hair she wore in a valley girl pony, and was very beautiful. Wikipedia calls her "the most decorated gymnast in US Olympic history." I would have given anything to be her.
My dad believes in anything I want to do. He saw a little girl who wanted to be a gymnast, and he signed me up to take a summer class. I remember going to my first class with such excitement; back handsprings! the balance beam! the spring board! I was going to be the next Shannon Miller! I could not wait.
At the very beginning of my first gymnastics class ever, the coach sat us all down, to give us a talk. She very plainly said that gymnastics was very dangerous, and that if we did not follow her direction to a t, we would probably snap our necks and die. I am not joking. That was exactly what she said. Than she proceeded to tell us that we would get started once we all did a forward roll.
I was terrified. I did not want to snap my neck and die! I somehow managed a forward roll, and they moved me on to the balance beam. They then asked me to do a forward roll on the balance beam. I'm a small girl, and I had my glasses off, which means I could not see very well. The beam was far off the ground. A forward roll was the last thing I wanted to be doing. With an assistant walking by me, I managed a roll, and they asked me to do another.
This time, I was not so fortunate. I took a tumble and fell to the ground, hitting the bar, and rolling off to face plant onto the mat. It was so painful, embarrassing, and scary. I was crying and shaking, and they asked me to get back on the beam and do it again. The other kids waiting were beginning to get annoyed, but being fearful of confrontation, I did exactly what the coach asked. I did not even make the first roll. Again, I fell, this time on my back, knocking on the wind out of my lungs. It was horrible. It was then I heard the comments that would probably shape who I am for the rest of my life.
" Can't she do anything right? She is so stupid."
" She probably can't see straight, look at her crossed eyes. She looks so ugly."
I quit gymnastics after that first class, and I have never been able to do a forward roll.
Fear. It encompasses so much more than we realize. It strangles us, and I can honestly say, it has plagued me my whole entire life. Fear is what sin is made of, I believe. Fear of being made of, fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of death, fear of being yourself, fear of trying something new, fear of people different than ourselves, fear of finding out we aren't who we believed we were. Fear of a god who will judge us for the life we live, fear of the Dark, fear of God being real. Fear of finding out all we believed in was a hoax after all. Fear of being ugly, fear of looking in the mirror and questioning what we're even doing in this life. Fear of being someone we totally despise. Fear of fear.
Can you identify with any of that? I can identify with everything on the list, give or take one or two. It's exhausting, and I am so tired.
I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and seeing this fat girl back at me. I'm tired of wishing I could be cool like my friends, instead of worrying that no one will really like me. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and cast aside as someones second choice. I'm tired of bringing home all my worries and taking them out on my family. I'm tired of feeling stupid, ignorant, a fool. I'm tired of giving all I have out, and when I need someone to fall back on, it seems like no one is able to return the favor. Every day, I feel like I fall and hit the mat. I get back up, and again I fall and hit the mat. Again, and again. Every day. Right now-would you believe that? Even right now. I did something and I need something out of fear. Try, fall, and hit the mat.
What if that mat wasn't there?
What if every time something went wrong, the floor got a little bit harder?There is no mat. I fall, and it hurts. Gets a little harder. I fall again, and it hurts a little more. Gets a little harder. Get back and up, and I'm still hurting, but what do you know? I fall again. Eventually, I'm not going to be able to get back up. My fears will totally destroy me. My neck will be snapped.
Not everyone believes in God, some people question God, some people believe in a different kind of God than me. Overall though, God is my mat. He'll always be there to catch me, when I fall. He's not just a safe guard though- because once I do make it to the end of the beam, he'll be right there, waiting for me to stick the landing. I can live assured knowing that something was there to catch me, and is waiting for me. Always.
This is not meant to be a religious blog, so don't tune me out just yet, but at the same time, I am passionate about what I believe. So it's going to come out. I'm not how you stereotype a Christian though; so I'm hoping you'll stay tuned. I'm going to screw up, and I'm not going to lie, I just did literally five minutes ago. Being perfect, and condemning, that's not what a Christian is. It's living for something, the Greatest thing. I'm always open if you guys have questions. Nothing is ever off limits. I'm getting off track though, so let me steer back.
God may not be your mat- but you need something. Something to support you, something to say hey, you're acting crazy. You are beautiful, and you aren't fat. You do have friends who like you, and it's your own fault for chasing people who you know will leave you hanging. It's your own fault for being a total witch to your sister, just like it's her fault when she acts the same way back. You are a screw up but hey- i love you. Everyone screws up. Don't let it defeat you.
This blog isn't all about boys and code names and frivolous things to that effect. It has been on my heart though, not to preach it at you, but to just get it out. To know I'm not alone. To let you know that you're not alone. That girl who said those things, that boy who broke your heart, your mom who said those things out of bitterness, and you,when you tell your sister that nasty comment. We all fall down. We all fear the fall. If you're going to continue to live life, make sure you have a mat. Trust me on this. If you aren't able to get up, you won't be able to get the end to the beam, and if you can't get to the end, you're not going to be able to stick the landing. We have this one life to be the fantastic person we are born to be. I want to make sure you're able to give it the best forward roll you can.
love, love, love, always with love,
Olive :)
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