I've never had a boyfriend. Ok, I had one, once, when I was in preschool. We went to taco bell on our first (and only) date. He broke up with me for my best friend, and when I tried to win him back by giving him my favorite little mermaid necklace and a kiss, well, it didn't go over so well. I was still boyfriend-less and was sentenced to time out and a letter home on "appropriate touching." I never got that necklace back. I had never wanted to be someone else more than in that moment. It seems silly, but she grew up to be this beautiful girl, well liked by all, and just by looking at boys, she broke hearts. I have never been that kind of girl.
It used to really upset me, never having a boyfriend. I'd watch all my friends get boyfriends, and I would find myself all alone. It was no fun. This was Pre-junior year of high school. I was a mess back then. (Still a little bit of one now.) I used to think "Is it my looks? I'm way prettier than that girl, how come he doesn't like me?" Or, " I'm just too weird, they're talking about me right now. Oh god, he is totally laughing at me with all his friends."
You'd think I'm paranoid, but that "laughing at me and making fun of me with all his friends" has happened to me before. It is not fun, but at the same time, it was my fault. My insecurity had led me to desperation. It was not a pretty picture, let me tell you.
We do the craziest things, trying to fit in with someone else. We compromise our moral standards, we do things that are extreme and weird. I know, at some point, we have all done it. I just know, from personal experience, that you never really live those incidents down. At the same time, though, you don't ever go and want to take it back either.
Summer before junior year, I went to summer camp, and I can credit that experience to when I began to make peace with myself. Someone sat me down, and told me I was being stupid. I didn't have to change anything about myself to be accepted.
It's easier said than done, let me tell you. No matter how small you are, what length your hair is, heck, even what gender you are, you always, want to be someone else. Not like, " Oh, I wish I could be so and so, or I could be blah blah." Sure, we wish for some characteristics, maybe sometimes even the lifestyle they posses, but usually we never want to actually BECOME someone else. This isn't the Roommate. (Thank the Lord)
What I'm talking about, is we want to become the "best" version of ourselves. For example, the "best" version of Olive would look something like this: 5 foot 6, 120 pounds, a career on the CW or NBC, with man candy like Nick Jonas who takes me to church every Sunday and flies me all around the world. In reality, I will never be that. I stopped growing taller when I was 14. I used to be disappointed, that I would never have that kind of life. One filled with star studded fame or rock star ambitions.
That is, until I found out what the "best" version of me really meant. The BEST version of you is the version that makes you happy. Of course, there are always things about you that will need to change, things you will learn that will shape you. Every day, if you allow yourself too, you grow into the kind of person that is the BEST for everyone. You may never be tall, talented, or famous. You might be some short girl with short hair who is loud, loves Jesus, doesn't get dirty jokes but is a devout friend, smart, with a really big heart. Maybe you're like my friend Rose, who has an open hate for our pre-cal teacher, but is so funny, beautiful, and the sweetest girl ever to be around ( except if you're our pre-cal teacher, obviously!)
I'm not saying being yourself will lead you to popularity and friends galore. I do know that people are drawn to honest people. Who doesn't like being around someone you know will never lie to you, and say exactly what they mean? Who, you can rest assured, are your friend because they honestly like YOU? That they like you because you're the BEST friend for them? That's the kind of friend I want to have, and that's the kind of friend I try to be.
I may never have a boyfriend. Heck, my worry could be right, and all boys do think I'm weird. ;) All I can do, is continue to be the BEST version of myself that I can. All the rest will fall together.
Stay Classy San Diego,
Olive :)
love this post.
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